image: vegadsl
Some people like to do things for others, especially those who are vulnerable or unable in some way. Although gestures may come from a sincere and caring place, if it’s not what you want or need, is it really aid? What exactly constitutes help?
Imagine you have a physical problem. A bad back, broken leg, sprained ankle, something that stops you being able to stand without for a few weeks or even a few months. As you lie on your sofa, daytime television easing in to primetime viewing, your mind slipping ever deeper into boredom, your house becomes more cluttered and unclean. The mess and dirt drives you mad and you’re infuriated that you’re unable to sort it all out, so you have to learn to ignore it. You do your best.
You turn a blind eye to the bathroom walls that are still only half-painted because you haven’t been able to get up a ladder and finish them, and to the dirty floor and grubby suite. You try not to sigh to yourself as you struggle up the stairs, noticing the dog hair and debris gathering on the carpet there. You pretend not to mind the state of the rugs in your lounge, the mess in your bedroom, the litter lying in the hall. You tell yourself the lawn can go another week without being mown. You focus on the view out of the window in the front room, rather than on the crust of dust highlighted by the sun streaming in. You start thinking it may be time to get a cleaner…
Then help comes. Someone close to you, who knows your situation and frustration inside out and upside down, decides to do something for you. They take to your kitchen – wipe the windowsills and the shelves where you keep your cups, polish a couple of the worktops, wash the pets’ bowls and a few dishes, even the empty the bin. Finally they sweep your floor. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
But they left the biggest worktop covered in the clean laundry you managed to do a few days ago. They left dirty dishes in the dish washer that you’ll have to do by hand and plates of uneaten food festering in the oven. Rather than clean the mats that go beneath the cats’ bowls to keep the floor free from stray meat, they put them on the flagstones, and didn’t fill up the water bowl. The dog’s bowls may be clean, but rather than out them away in the cupboard, they put them on the floor. The hoover is in bits in one corner (a corner that wasn’t swept), and in another corner is a bucket full of filthy cloths soaking in bleach. The dressers are grey with dust and the fish tank is still turning brown.
Climbing the stairs is agony, and carrying all the clean laundry upstairs will take three trips, so it isn’t a thought you relish. It hurts to bend down, so putting the mats under the cats’ bowls, refilling the water, putting the hoover together and then putting it away are all going to hurt. Cleaning the dishes that are left, lifting and emptying the cloth-filled bin will be painful too. While most of the floor is cleaner than before, it remains covered with bits around the bin and by the backdoor too. The hearth is still covered with ash and needs polishing and piles of junk still sit here and there. And look! There’s that bag of shopping you bought three days ago waiting to be put away…
The room doesn’t actually look any tidier than it did prior to you helper’s attention. Indeed, the things they did you could just about manage to do for yourself, are the bare basics you do every week despite your body. The help didn’t feel so helpful at all.
What would have been a real help is having the floor washed (because you have to do it on your hands and knees and it takes three hours to do) or the bathroom being cleaned and its walls painted. What would have been great is the lawn being cut, or the hoovering (again, it takes a long time because I have to do it on my hands and knees) of the landing stairs and hall. What would have made you feel so much better is knowing your fish had a fresh clean home.
I know this may all sound ungrateful, but if someone only does the things they want to do, is it really help? If a job is left only half done is it really help? I don’t expect to be helped. I would love it if more help was given, but I don’t think it’s an entitlement, no matter how disabled I’ve been and for how long. I’ve had people who don’t know me well remark about the lack of support I have. Doctors have pointed out that I, as an individual have no support at all. Not in any practical sense. But I find it upsetting when someone only does half a job. If you’re going to help person, see the task through, do it completely, do the things you don’t really want to do. If you don’t, it seems to me that you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better – not to help the person in need.
I’ve said it before and no doubt I’ll say it again, but perhaps I am disappointed and upset because I judge others by my actions. Let me explain. Seven or so years ago, when my pelvis was still intact, a friend of mine was in need. Heavily pregnant, she was about to move, and had to clean her oven before she did so. Because of the baby, she couldn’t use the chemicals. She asked me would I do it for her. Of course, I was happy to oblige. I was happy that she asked for me help. Did I stop at the oven though? No. Knowing she couldn’t enter the room due to the fumes, I capitalised on the freedom to scrub her kitchen from top to bottom, and although it took me a couple of hours, it was sparkling when it was done. I did this because I knew she was stressed about the baby and the move, and already had a little boy to look after. I completed the task. I did something I knew she had difficulty doing.
We can’t always ask for help. Sometimes we drop hints. Sometimes we do request aid, repeatedly, only for it to be forgotten or ignored. In the first year after my accident, when I spent a year in bed, I asked for help from someone (to pick up some bits from the shop for me when they went there for themselves) and had them ridicule and criticize me for it. Plus, I do still have my pride.
For me having my bathroom cleaned and the painting done, or being able to get up the stairs without seeing bits gathering in the corners would have made me smile. It would have made me feel like I was worth helping. Seeing my lawn trim and tidy would somehow have made me feel less alone than a half-finished job ever did. Having things put on the floor where it hurts me to reach them makes me feel completely misunderstood.
So, if you’re a person who likes to do things for other, remember this – it’s best not to guess or expect those in need to ask for help, but rather to ask them what help they need.
Imagine you have a physical problem. A bad back, broken leg, sprained ankle, something that stops you being able to stand without for a few weeks or even a few months. As you lie on your sofa, daytime television easing in to primetime viewing, your mind slipping ever deeper into boredom, your house becomes more cluttered and unclean. The mess and dirt drives you mad and you’re infuriated that you’re unable to sort it all out, so you have to learn to ignore it. You do your best.
You turn a blind eye to the bathroom walls that are still only half-painted because you haven’t been able to get up a ladder and finish them, and to the dirty floor and grubby suite. You try not to sigh to yourself as you struggle up the stairs, noticing the dog hair and debris gathering on the carpet there. You pretend not to mind the state of the rugs in your lounge, the mess in your bedroom, the litter lying in the hall. You tell yourself the lawn can go another week without being mown. You focus on the view out of the window in the front room, rather than on the crust of dust highlighted by the sun streaming in. You start thinking it may be time to get a cleaner…
Then help comes. Someone close to you, who knows your situation and frustration inside out and upside down, decides to do something for you. They take to your kitchen – wipe the windowsills and the shelves where you keep your cups, polish a couple of the worktops, wash the pets’ bowls and a few dishes, even the empty the bin. Finally they sweep your floor. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?
But they left the biggest worktop covered in the clean laundry you managed to do a few days ago. They left dirty dishes in the dish washer that you’ll have to do by hand and plates of uneaten food festering in the oven. Rather than clean the mats that go beneath the cats’ bowls to keep the floor free from stray meat, they put them on the flagstones, and didn’t fill up the water bowl. The dog’s bowls may be clean, but rather than out them away in the cupboard, they put them on the floor. The hoover is in bits in one corner (a corner that wasn’t swept), and in another corner is a bucket full of filthy cloths soaking in bleach. The dressers are grey with dust and the fish tank is still turning brown.
Climbing the stairs is agony, and carrying all the clean laundry upstairs will take three trips, so it isn’t a thought you relish. It hurts to bend down, so putting the mats under the cats’ bowls, refilling the water, putting the hoover together and then putting it away are all going to hurt. Cleaning the dishes that are left, lifting and emptying the cloth-filled bin will be painful too. While most of the floor is cleaner than before, it remains covered with bits around the bin and by the backdoor too. The hearth is still covered with ash and needs polishing and piles of junk still sit here and there. And look! There’s that bag of shopping you bought three days ago waiting to be put away…
The room doesn’t actually look any tidier than it did prior to you helper’s attention. Indeed, the things they did you could just about manage to do for yourself, are the bare basics you do every week despite your body. The help didn’t feel so helpful at all.
What would have been a real help is having the floor washed (because you have to do it on your hands and knees and it takes three hours to do) or the bathroom being cleaned and its walls painted. What would have been great is the lawn being cut, or the hoovering (again, it takes a long time because I have to do it on my hands and knees) of the landing stairs and hall. What would have made you feel so much better is knowing your fish had a fresh clean home.
I know this may all sound ungrateful, but if someone only does the things they want to do, is it really help? If a job is left only half done is it really help? I don’t expect to be helped. I would love it if more help was given, but I don’t think it’s an entitlement, no matter how disabled I’ve been and for how long. I’ve had people who don’t know me well remark about the lack of support I have. Doctors have pointed out that I, as an individual have no support at all. Not in any practical sense. But I find it upsetting when someone only does half a job. If you’re going to help person, see the task through, do it completely, do the things you don’t really want to do. If you don’t, it seems to me that you’re only doing it to make yourself feel better – not to help the person in need.
I’ve said it before and no doubt I’ll say it again, but perhaps I am disappointed and upset because I judge others by my actions. Let me explain. Seven or so years ago, when my pelvis was still intact, a friend of mine was in need. Heavily pregnant, she was about to move, and had to clean her oven before she did so. Because of the baby, she couldn’t use the chemicals. She asked me would I do it for her. Of course, I was happy to oblige. I was happy that she asked for me help. Did I stop at the oven though? No. Knowing she couldn’t enter the room due to the fumes, I capitalised on the freedom to scrub her kitchen from top to bottom, and although it took me a couple of hours, it was sparkling when it was done. I did this because I knew she was stressed about the baby and the move, and already had a little boy to look after. I completed the task. I did something I knew she had difficulty doing.
We can’t always ask for help. Sometimes we drop hints. Sometimes we do request aid, repeatedly, only for it to be forgotten or ignored. In the first year after my accident, when I spent a year in bed, I asked for help from someone (to pick up some bits from the shop for me when they went there for themselves) and had them ridicule and criticize me for it. Plus, I do still have my pride.
For me having my bathroom cleaned and the painting done, or being able to get up the stairs without seeing bits gathering in the corners would have made me smile. It would have made me feel like I was worth helping. Seeing my lawn trim and tidy would somehow have made me feel less alone than a half-finished job ever did. Having things put on the floor where it hurts me to reach them makes me feel completely misunderstood.
So, if you’re a person who likes to do things for other, remember this – it’s best not to guess or expect those in need to ask for help, but rather to ask them what help they need.